“Satan = Atlanta Traffic”
For most of us Georgians, at least for most of us rural Georgians, there’s one common hell on earth we can all relate to. I’ve heard it talked about all my life, and have actually experienced it many, many times over the course of my adult years. It can make me cuss, cry, question my religion, and cause my blood pressure to get up to dangerously high levels. Ya’ll want to know what I’m talking about? Want to know one of the most vile tortures imaginable for any rural Georgian? Want to know what scares me worse than an envelope with an IRS return address printed on it? It’s the incredibly heinous act of having to drive one’s car in Atlanta traffic.
If I were a betting man, and I am, I’d wager that there are a lot of ya’ll out there nodding your heads up and down in response to that. Driving in Atlanta is one of the purest hells imaginable, and an experience that I could do without for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, if you live in Georgia, you’ll have to drive up to Atlanta sometimes. And not one time will you ever like it. Ever.
Far be it from me, though, to just sit here and moan and groan about something. It’s my duty as a responsible journalist (try and keep a straight face) to offer suggestions on proactively dealing with Atlanta traffic in order to make it as pleasant an experience as possible. Try these three:
1. Prepare yourself for the experience by watching some video footage of the latest roller coasters over at Six Flags. Watch their curves, loops, and how fast the cars roar through them. Once you watch a few minutes of that, you’ll be better acclimated for your upcoming drive to Atlanta. Especially if you happen to go through a part of the interstate system up there known as “Spaghetti Junction.” Spaghetti Junction is where about ten different interstate highways link together just north of Atlanta, and driving in it is akin to making your way through a field of land mines. I’ve never seen more cars in any one area in my life, and, the worst part is, half of ‘em don‘t know where they‘re going. If you get Six Flags planted firmly in your mind and mesh it together with some scenes from a demolition derby, you can actually have a good time. And, look at it this way - it costs forty or fifty bucks a pop to get into Six Flags, and, if luck is with you, it’ll only cost you a few gallons of gas to experience Spaghetti Junction.
2. Whatever you do, carry an empty milk jug with you. This is especially important if you drink about four cups of coffee before beginning your journey to Atlanta. You’ll find out why you need it when you hit one of those “pond water” traffic jams - that’s one of those traffic tie-ups that’s so bad that you’ll need to stand a stick up next to your car to see if it’s moving. If you get stuck in one of those, you can have a major problem if you don’t have a milk jug with you. Personally, the thought of whizzing “au natural” in the midst of about two hundred cars is more than enough to get me to take the milk jug. ’Nuff said.
3. Watch an episode of the Jerry Springer Show right before leaving. This will prepare you for any interactions you may have with other motorists if your vehicle happens to experience mechanical problems along the way. In fact, if you do have mechanical problems and someone starts hollering at you, imagine you’re the husband on the Springer episode I recently saw who found out his wife was fooling around with an unemployed midget. If you just pretend you’re that guy, you should be able to fire back language at your tormentor(s) that would scare off a group of Navy Seals. And doing that will lower your blood pressure, which is always a good thing.
Armed with these tips, you should be able to tolerate driving around Atlanta, this requisite hell for most of us Georgians. And that’s gonna be about the best we can do with this situation, unless the legislature gets together and does what should have been done years ago, and that’s move the state capital over to the Macon Centreplex. Since hardly anyone ever goes there, the traffic would be much more manageable, and we could put an end to this awful problem once and for all.
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