Character Flaws
DR: Welcome to the Dawn Roberto blog, Miss Havana. Would you like to say a few words of introduction before the serious questions begin?
MH: Why thank you, Dawn. It’s an honor for you to have me here, I’m sure. I see your topic for today is “Character Flaws”. As a substitute teacher at Readmond High near Chicago, I would like to begin by stating categorically I don’t have any.
DR. I See. So you consider yourself naturally gifted?
MH: Oh, yes. I’m a natural blond.
DR: Can you tell us a little about the courses you teach?
MH: I think it’s vitally important to keep the students’ attention, so I ensure everything about me is fastidious. I keep my firm 34-26-36 figure fit and dress in immaculate form-fitting clothes. When I present my lessons, you can be sure every eye is on me, especially the boys. Oh, by the way, those numbers are from the bottom up.
DR: Er…ah…I hadn’t noticed. What subjects do you teach?
MH: Oh, I can handle anything, but they don’t let me teach boys PE.
DR: I can see the wisdom in that. Do you have any discipline problems with the students?
MH: When I first started the students could be unruly at times, but I found a solution. Here, see. Once I began using this puppy, the problems ended.
DR: Uh, this is a blog, Miss Havana, no one can see your impressive paddle. Where on earth did you get that giant anyway?
MH: Oh, you do get personal, don’t you? Let’s just say the Phi Delta boys were more than happy to offer it to me after I tutored them one night.
DR: You tutor at night? Aren’t the students tired then, and less receptive to learning?
MH: Oh, no. They were all perky.
DR: Let’s get to the meat of this interview. What can you tell me about character flaws?
MH: Well, I can tell you what I’ve observed. Character flaws are like hemorrhoids, you really can’t tell people have them until you get to know them better. I mean, have you ever met a stranger who introduced himself by telling you he had hemorrhoids right off? Character flaws are like that. People don’t tell you they have them, so you have to deduce them yourself.
DR: Can you provide a few examples of those you’ve observed personally?
MH: But of course. Mr. Halstead sells drugs to other students, for example. I think that would be considered a character flaw by some. Not only that, but the bastard cheats his supplier. My ledger has come up short several times in the past month alone.
DR: Should we be using names? Aren’t things like that with minors confidential?
MH: Probably. Sorry.
DR: What else can you tell me, about flaws you’ve observed?
MH: I know from personal experience Senator Wansworth cheats on his wife. Even worse, he cheats on his mistress by failing to pay for services rendered. I mean, who would think it less expensive to hire a hit man than to pay a few dollars to a cash-strapped beautiful woman?
DR: Names, Miss Havana. Are they really necessary?
MH: Oh, then I probably shouldn’t mention his bitch of a wife who’s trying to kill me on her own…er, trying to kill the Senator’s mistress on her own. She’s just a sore loser who hasn’t won the township beauty pageant since I came to town.
DR: Sounds like you might have a few enemies?
MH: Nothing I can’t handle, although Macky Lane scares me a little. You know him, don’t you? He runs the Slippery Silverfish bar and grill in Chicago. Do you have any idea how many people actually believe a silverfish is a fish?
DR: I suppose you are implying Macky Lane has flaws as well?
MH: Big time! I should have guessed when I used the ladies restroom in his facility. Did you know if you lift the fig leaf on the statue of David by the sinks, a red light comes on outside in the bar. I mean, one little peek and the whole world thinks you’re a pervert. Good grief! I also have it on good authority that the bastard hires Charles Darwin to silence people, but not the original. I’ll bet he has a big paddle like mine. That sucker works for me. One whack, and I don’t hear a peep out of anyone.
DR: You do know that silencing someone in mobster talk means to kill them, don’t you?
MH: Really? That could explain a few thing.
DR: Actually, I wanted to ask you about your paddle. Aren’t there rules against using corporal punishment on students?
MH: Gee, I don’t know about that. I’m really, really close to most of the school board members, and they’ve never mentioned a thing. I’ll see Billy tonight. I’ll ask.
DR: Billy?
MH: You know, the head of the school board. Frankly, he’s pretty enthusiastic about the paddle himself. He loves the way it excites me, makes me itchy.
DR: At risk of incriminating myself, I believe we should terminate this interview right here, Miss Havana. It was a pleasure having you.
MH: Likewise, I’m sure.
Miss Havana is the main character in the paranormal comedy, The Substitute, to be released by Solstice Publishing on January 31, 2011. The Substitute is the first of a trilogy of comedies. The second, Oh, Heavens, Miss Havana! is complete, and an announcement concerning its release date will be made soon. Ideas and concepts for the third, The Training Bra, are being accumulated.
The Miss Havana character has been a joy to create and write. She is evil to the core but oblivious to the impact she has on others, which is the reason she is killed three times early in The Substitute, and remains a spirit for the rest of that book and throughout Oh, Heavens, Miss Havana! Here’s the blurb:
Miss Havana’s public persona was far from the truth because, in her capacity as substitute teacher, the small community where she lived knew her as the breathtakingly beautiful young woman who demanded every student learn, but in her private life, ostensibly caring for aging parents in Chicago, she raced through the lives of powerful men, leaving a wake of destruction…and a deep desire for revenge. Little did she realize her conflicted life would end in a chaotic death at an early age, and to an eternal conflict with the devil. Clever and witty, the reader will not guess the conclusion of this novel until the final paragraph.
The Substitute received a five star review by Book Wenches at: http://www.bookwenches.com/september10reviews.htm#636925762. Miss Havana also provides a column with outrageous periodic personal advice at Reaper’s Door: http://mlmrdenter.blogspot.com/.
A little about the author:
Although his Bachelors, Masters, and Ph.D. are in Chemistry and Meteorology, James worked as a scientist and system/software engineer before retiring a third time, then turned to writing. Extensive travel, from Thule, Greenland to Australia’s Great Barrier reef – and to dozens of countries in between – provide the real-life experiences he incorporates into everything he writes.
James enjoys boating, kayaking, skiing, traveling, hiking, tending nine grandchildren (no more than two at a time), and ballroom dancing, but his first love is writing, and all other activities are molded around it. He has completed seven novels and one short story, and intends to continue writing in the Sci-Fi and Paranormal Comedy genres. He has five titles with xoxopublishing.com, the latest being Aftermath Horizon, and one, The Substitute, with Solstice Publishing.
Thank you for having me today, Dawn, and a big thank you to each reader who stopped by today!
Sincerely,
James L. Hatch
No comments:
Post a Comment